May 18, 2018

Finding Your Soulmate

This was a huge thing of mine for a long time. Where is my soulmate? When will I meet him? How can I find him? I even told my ex husband before I married him that I knew he was not my soulmate. (sometimes I can be a little direct. Haha!) This whole soulmate thing was a BIG conversation in my world for years.

I prayed, I danced, I did rituals.

I got married, I got divorced, I got single.

I got a lover.

All the while looking for that thing that was the how that this relationship with my soulmate was going to look. I had very clear visions about the whole thing!! Very clear!

8 years ago, I had a very strong hit to go to Antigua for a Tantra retreat. I just knew my life was going to change – and really had no idea how. I followed it.

I met a man there that ended up becoming my partner.

My soulmate! (I decided shortly after we met.) And we would create the life and do the thing and live happily ever after.

Once his divorce was final. And his pre teen kids were grown. And All the stars were aligned. And he could move across 3 states to be with me. Then, we would live together and have that happily ever after soulmate reality.

Well that reality never happened. And we are in a thriving partnership for going on 8 years as of this writing. We didn’t create it – because we found out that we didn’t actually desire it. We found out that we both like to have space! And that living together was not really our goal. We found out that we adore each other. And that we adore lots of people! And that we can make each others’ lives greater just by being present with each other – with no point of view, with total allowance, with total space, and with a desire for the other to do and be whatever they choose that will allow them to THRIVE.

Sometimes that includes each other. Sometimes it doesn’t! But we are always there – cheering each other on, having each others’ backs, supporting each other’s choices and creations, often from afar.

The reality that we have created has shown me so much about relationships, soulmates, the ‘one’, and what is actually true.

Had we forced the agenda that we had of living together, we would not be together today. We would have both hated it and felt stifled and suffocated.

We have been willing to be extremely pragmatic about how we create our relationship. What WORKS???? And it changes, all the time. And we roll with it. Sometimes it’s seeing each other a lot. Sometimes it’s not. Usually we are both traveling to different parts of the world – not with each other. And when we do travel together – it’s phenomenal.

The reality with relationships on our planet these days is pretty meager. It is based on a lie and a fantasy and a totally non-pragmatic romanticized reality of how relationships are supposed to be – and that there is even ‘one’ person for everybody. There are 7 billion people on the planet! One?

If you make any of that real, you actually stifle the beauty that you can have with everybody that comes into your life – in every way – whether romantic or not. What if you could receive the contributions that everybody in your life is willing to be to you – whatever that may look like today? And be willing for it to always change. Because it does.

And if you do have a relationship – what if it could be dynamic, ever changing, spacious, where your allowance for each other’s choices is immense – and THAT is the the greatest contribution to a level of intimacy beyond this reality?

What if intimacy with another includes everything – and doesn’t exclude anything? And what if you honoring their choices, their rhythm, their life and what they love – and them honoring the same for you – could create a space where true adoration and gratitude can thrive?

What I know about relationships now and what works for me now looks absolutely nothing like all the stuff I used to pray for. I was praying for a fantasy that was not even true for me and not even a possibility on the planet at this point.

Now, I have a pragmatic, phenomenal, beautiful, intimate, and ever-expanding partnership with somebody whose main desire for me is that I love my life, whatever that looks like and even if it doesn’t include him. And it’s mutual.

What space could we be for each other if we were willing to let go of the need of what we think should be? And have the courage to explore what actually is?

For more dynamic musings on Sex & Relationship, check out Heather’s Sex & Relationship Energy Pull series here.

Heather Nichols

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